The Return Of The Brittany

In other news, a quick visit to Amazon.com indicates that my package arrived in this abysmal city at 8:30 this morning. Beyond that, details are sketchy in the sense that there aren’t any. The “Arrival Scan” at 8:30am is the last entry in the tracking list, which is a little disconcerting. There is no “Departure Scan” listed, so I can only assume that my package either: A.) never left the facility, or B.) whoever is responsible for scanning items when they leave was otherwise occupied, and failed to bother with my package.

Since it’s now approaching 7:00 in the evening and my front porch sits as a barren wasteland that’s devoid of any cheerful packages, I’m hoping for the latter. After all, I really don’t want to have to unleash my wrath upon the United Parcel Service. I’m sure they’re a bit more stable than United States Postal Service employees, but I’d rather not take my chances, all the same. I’ve never heard reports of anyone freaking out, grabbing a rifle and going “UPS” on an office building, but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened. And, as someone recently pointed out to me, there are an awful lot of guns in Texas…

-by Brittany

I know I promised to write something interesting today, so I hope I don’t disappoint all my readers out there with today’s offering. It has recently come to my attention that a new Buffy movie is in the works. However, before everyone gets excited, it’s not the Buffy that we’ve all come to know and love. This new movie will not have Joss Whedon, otherwise known as the God of the Buffy world. He will not be bestowing his creative juices to the actors and writers for this new movie. Why? Well, I don’t have all that information as of yet. I’m basically riding the “I cannot believe it!” train right now, and I’m just going to have to take some time to get more details as they come my way. I’m sure that Kristian will have them all for you in a matter of days, so just consider this entry a prelude to the soap boxing that you will receive once he has gathered all the necessary facts for his ranting and raving entry and the shame of it all. (note: Joss may still get involved, but he technically has no feature film rights to the franchise. However, don’t rule out the possibility that he may still hop on board. -K)

I ran into an ex-neighbor of mine today, which wasn’t so much interesting as it was informative. After the initial, “I don’t recognize you” phase of the conversation waned, he started telling me little tidbits of information about the goings on at my old house, where my ex-husband and his girlfriend now live. He told me about several things, like how he has, on a few occasions, slept with my former best girlfriend, (who has also slept with my ex husband, who then slept with…and so on, and so on, and so on). One of the reasons I’m glad I moved away from these people involves not knowing what horrible STD I could have ended up with if I stayed. Everyone seems to be sleeping with everyone else, and eventually half the block has Chlamydia! Gee, I hope it was worth it!

According to this guy, my ex-husband has been hitting on my ex-best-friend, and he is telling *her* that he doesn’t think things are going to work out between him and his girlfriend/midlife-crisis. However, he’s telling her that he “knows that things would work out between the two of them.” Excuse me a minute while I gag on the predictable stupidity of this statement.

On the one hand, my ex was always talking about how much he wanted to “get with” my best friend – a type of comment which I usually ignored, naively thinking that he wasn’t serious, because we were happily married. Right? Right? Anyway, after things started to turn sour with us, he was back to talking about my friend again – only this time, it was about how pathetic she was, and how she needed to get her life in order or she was going to do some serious damage to herself with no one else to blame. Blah blah blah. This went on until the week I found out that he’d slept with her. When I confronted him about this, he was very nonchalant about it all. I asked him what his new girlfriend thought about it, and he said she didn’t mind, because she was in the other room and having sex with my best friend’s current fiancé. Yes ladies and gentlemen, this is the kind of man I was married to, and it’s NO WONDER that I’m glad to be free of this kind of backwards mentality.

It seems that having finally succeeded in bagging his conquest (pun intended), my ex is no longer satisfied with my former BFF. At least, I thought this until today. According to this old neighbor of mine, my ex is telling my former gal pal the same sort of tripe that he probably told his new girlfriend, back when he was cheating on me. Aww, I think I have a tear in my eye. I’m not saying that I’m rooting for the new girl here, but if there’s any possibility that my ex is messing around on the new love of his life, then I hope for her sake that she finds out soon. I’m afraid that if she doesn’t, she’s going to wake up six or seven years down the road to arrive at the bitter realization that he is doing the same thing to her as he did to me. Maybe then, he’ll at least have given up on chasing young girls half his age, and finally see how it feels to screw up his courage and ask out one of the fabulous looking cabana boys he used to steal secret glances at when he thought I wasn’t looking. I’ll keep my fingers crossed, and keep you posted on the sordid goings on with my ex and his revolving bedroom door. After all, it seems like the favorite party game sensation that’s sweeping the nation is sexual bingo, and my ex is working a dozen cards with the same tired marker. I wonder when he’ll run out of ink?