wonka-golden-ticketOnce upon a time, a legendary candyman held a contest in which five lucky children won a tour of his mythical chocolate factory. That man was Mr. Wonka, and this is the story you were never told…

The moment Wonka launched his famous contest, rival candy maker Slugworth Cruz immediately began trying to steal Wonka’s secrets for himself. He prowled the streets at night, looking for the first winner by approaching random children in the darkness to ask them about golden tickets and candy. It was kinda weird.

"Hey. Got any candy?"

“Hey. Got any candy?”

The first winner was a large, angry young man who was driven by an all-consuming passion to consume anything could. Augustus Christie was his name, but he never made it to the factory. Tragically, he insulted Wonka’s union workers in his acceptance speech, who then tricked him into mistaking the brown water of one of New Jersey’s rivers for chocolate. Augustus Christie dove in, head first, and was never seen again.

"Trumpa Lumpa, Doopa Dee Doo…"

“Trumpa Lumpa, Doopa Dee Doo…”

The next winner was also the youngest. His name was Rubio Teevee, and Slugworth Cruz found him before he ever left for the factory. No one knows what Cruz whispered into Rubio’s young ears while the pair sat on his mother’s couch in the family room, but from that moment on, all Rubio Teevee could do was repeat the same three or four sentences over and over.

“Wonka knows EXACTLY what he’s doing."

“Wonka knows EXACTLY what he’s doing.”

Ben Carson would’ve won a ticket, but he fell asleep before he finished opening his Wonka Bar, then stashed it away in a pyramid for later after he woke up. Violet Fiorina also would’ve won a ticket, but she laid off the entire staff she’d hired to unwrap candy bars just before the winning one was found.

The next lucky winner was Veruca Clinton, who felt winning the contest was her birthright because she felt that winning everything was her birthright. Spoiled, loud and obnoxious, she was last seen demanding Wonka give her a goose to lay gold eggs for Easter. Wonka just smiled and tossed her down a garbage shoot.

“Bad egg,” he said.

“It’s mine. Whatever it is, it’s mine. Gimme!"

“It’s mine. Whatever it is, it’s mine. Gimme!”

The last young man to win a ticket was approximately 800 years old, which was getting on for a 12 year old boy, but the years had not been kind. Born into poverty, Bernie Bucket was convinced he would win a ticket, because he wanted it more than anyone. Positive that he could use the contest to infiltrate the inner sanctum of the 1% and expose Wonka for the elitist fraud that he was, Bernie fished around in raw sewage for a coin some rich guy dropped, then miraculously bought the last winning Wonka Bar in existence.

“Let them eat chocolate."

“Let them eat chocolate.”

But then he redistributed Fizzy Lifting Drinks to the 99% and bumped into the ceiling which then had to be washed and sterilized, so he got nothing.

None of the children won the real prize that day, which would’ve seen one of them inheriting Obama Wonka’s factory after he retired. However, Wonka was now more convinced than ever that no other living human would ever be qualified for the job, so he just smiled to himself, breathed deeply, and decided to stay. Forever.

"I said good day, sir!"

“I said good day, sir!”

© 2016, Kristian Bland. All rights reserved.