Happy Nottaversary!

Today is just another Monday, like a hundred before it and the next hundred still to come. There’s really nothing out of the ordinary about it, but there is some hidden significance to the date.

Today marks my first annual Nottaversary: the day when I celebrate the fact that I’m not celebrating another year of marriage. It’s a whole divorce and former anniversary thing. You single or happily married people wouldn’t understand.

The single people won’t get it because they haven’t ever been married and don’t understand what all the fuss is about. After all, the closest a single person has ever likely come to marriage is arguing with his or her roommates over who had proper legal claim to the last bottle of beer or the fat-free, sugar-free, nutritionally-bereft, single-serving cup of yogurt that one of them specifically squirreled away into a little hidden corner of the refrigerator specifically to keep it out of enemy hands. Single people have the basic mechanics of marriage down, minus the celibacy and withering scorn.

Happily married people don’t know what I’m on about either, because they’re in the throes of new love’s passion, where there’s sunshine and rainbows, with moonponies and pupperflies frolicking in picture-postcard valleys of peace and happiness. The closest a happily married couple comes to understanding divorce is not – despite what you might think – when they fight about whether the natural state of a toilet seat is to be parallel or perpendicular to its bowl. Rather, it’s when they visit other couples who have been married much longer than them, and then find out through their glazed, empty expressions that the argument no longer matters.

So anyway, the Nottaversary isn’t really that big of a deal. It’s a little strange this first time around, but I suspect other things will be weirder. What happens when Thanksgiving or Christmas roll around, and I’m dividing my time between my family and Brittany’s? Will thoughts of my other, now estranged family pop into my head?

I certainly hope not, but it’s likely. It’s a strange equation that equals divorce but, like anything else, the basics can be approximated fairly easily. If Keanu Reeves was right and there is no spoon, then we all live in a computer simulation and our lives are determined by lines of code, and possibly the whims of a spotty-faced teen at the controls of The Sims.

Maybe the fates of the world and everyone in it are predetermined, maybe they aren’t. Maybe we have free-will, maybe we don’t. Maybe the kid’s porn gave his computer a virus and our universe is going to explode in a shower of electrical sparks and digital boobs. The point is, no one really knows and fewer really care.

I have figured one thing out, though. It’s just a little thing but, I think, an important one. It’s something that took me going through all of this to realize, and I think I see it now only because I did make it through and out the other side of the marital rabbit hole.

Things got really low for me for a really long time, and for as much as I hoped and longed for things to work out, and for as badly as I wanted to live happily ever after, eventually it became clear that sometimes fairy tales don’t always have a happy ending, and I gave up.

So what did I realize? It’s pretty simple, really – but I couldn’t have gotten here without meeting Brittany. I realized – and so should all of you – that the only difference between a happy ending and a sad one – the only difference – is where you decide to stop the story.

Mine goes on…

Want some books? 'Course ya do!

NOTE:  I know times are hard and yeah, I need to make a living too, but if you want to read any of my books but can't afford to buy them right now, hit me up.

I'll take care of it.

Humor | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

Have you ever lived through an experience that was so humiliating that you wanted to die, but when you tell it to all your friends, they can't stop laughing?

Have you ever made a decision that seemed like a good idea at the time, but you're still living with the hilarious consequences years later?

If so, then grab a snack, get comfortable, and prepare to have all of your own poor life choices seem just a little bit more bearable.

You're welcome.

Short Stories
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The nine stories of rage and sadness collected here range from the most intimate of human experiences to the wildest realms of magic and fantasy. The first story is a violent gut-punch to the soul, and the rest of them just hit harder from there.

Those who tough it out will find a book filled with as much hope as despair, a constant contradiction pulling you from one extreme to another.

Life might knock us down, over and over, and will the beat the ever-loving snot out of us from the time we're old enough to give it attitude until the day we finally let it win and stop getting up.

Always get back up.

Gaming | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

This isn't just a book. It's a portal to other worlds where there be magic and dragons and hilarious pirates. Okay, not really. But this book is about those portals, except they're called video games.

The Life Bytes series of books take a deep dive into one man's personal journey through childhood into kinda/sorta being a responsible, competent adult as told through the magical lens of whatever video games he was playing at the time.

Part One starts way back in 1975 and meanders down various digital pathways until, oh, around about 1993 or so.

If you're feeling nostalgic for the early days of gaming or if you just want to understand why the gamer in your life loves this hobby so much, take a seat in your favorite comfy chair and crack this bad boy open.

I'll try to not be boring.

Horror
Available now from the following retailers

What you are about to read is not a story. There is no beginning, middle, or end.

What follows is nothing more than a series of journal entries involving shadow people, sleep paralysis, and crippling fear. It’s not pretty, it doesn’t follow story logic, and nothing works out well in the end.

You've been warned.