Facebook Valentine

Today is Monday. It is also Valentine’s Day, which means the universe either really hates or totally adores single people. I’m undecided, but I’m pretty sure I’m off the hook, either way.

Married people celebrate Valentine’s Day differently than other Facebook relationship statuses. We don’t go in for all the lovey-dovey stuff, choosing instead to quietly affirm our affections in private, more intimate ways. At least, this is what husbands tell their wives when they rent a romantic movie for a buck at the Redbox, then come home and “watch” it with her while we play games on our phones and scratch ourselves in inappropriate places.

Still, the holiday is not entirely without merit. Sure, Valentine’s Day could easily be renamed Suck Up To Your Girlfriends Or You’re Not Getting Any For The Rest Of The Year Day and no one would be the wiser, but it’s supposed to be an occasion to celebrate your love for the most important person in your life. So, in an effort to help you define how you should celebrate this most special day, I’ve decided to break it down into a simple list:

How To Celebrate Valentine’s Day
Based On Your Facebook Relationship Status

Single
You’re a strong and independent person, who doesn’t need a significant other to feel complete. You have your career. Your life goals. Your videogames and cats. This year, celebrate the day for lovers by going to work early, staying late and calling in sick tomorrow morning while you work off the hangover you picked up from that counseling session with Dr. Whiskey and the marathon viewing of Grey’s Anatomy episodes and every John Cusack movie ever made.

In a relationship
You’re screwed. If you’re “in a relationship,” you’re the target demographic for everything red, heart-shaped and/or made of chocolate. If you’re someone’s boyfriend, you need to send flowers to your girlfriend’s job, because gloating to her co-workers over how much someone who doesn’t love her enough to commit to anything serious, but at least pretends to care enough to send her a bouquet of dead flora is every girl’s favorite part of the holiday. After that, spring for reservations at an expensive restaurant and let her order the lobster. Later, get ready to spend the next several hours “cuddling” and “being romantic” – and don’t be surprised if neither pays off. Valentine’s Day is not your holiday, fellas.

Engaged
You’re also screwed. The same rules for “in a relationship” apply here, but set aside a block of time to either discuss your wedding plans, or to break out the excuses concerning why you have yet to set a date for your nuptials. If you fall into the latter category, be sure to pop in a few John Hughes movies when you get home. If you’re lucky, your fiance will fall asleep in your arms while ’80s synth pop whisks her away to a romance-and-Judd Nelson-filled dreamland.

Married
Congratulations! You can get by with a box of chocolates and a nice, quiet evening at home. You’ve pledged your lives to one another. You love each other. You’re in it for the long haul. All those displays of pink and lacy affection are for lovebirds, all short-lived and passionate. You’re more like love sea turtles. You need to move slowly, because you have a long, monogamous life ahead of you. It’s best to not peak too soon.

It’s complicated
Since this is another way of saying that the person you love doesn’t love you back, but you’re either too blinded by your one-sided devotion or just too plain stupid to abandon hope and move on to something healthier, you might want to look into celebrating Singles Awareness Day (SAD) instead of messing about with Valentine’s Day. Staying home and sharing the pain of your misery with strangers on the Internet is better than camping outside of your “soulmate’s” house with a pair of binoculars and that stack of unopened Valentines you sealed with the moisture of your own bitter tears. Plus, it doesn’t violate your restraining order.

In an open relationship
Yeah, right. You’re not fooling anyone, you know. And if you’re telling the truth, then you’re either very enlightened or very sketchy. Or both. I’ve seen people like you on HBO’s hit television program Real Sex, which you may recognize by its other title, (un)Porn With Ugly People. People choosing this as their relationship status are likely to be fans of modern pin-up girls, and believe that rockabilly fashion is a thing that’s still around. Also, they’re likely to be old and doughy and… Just skip Valentine’s Day. Nobody wants to see you naked.

Want some books? 'Course ya do!

NOTE:  I know times are hard and yeah, I need to make a living too, but if you want to read any of my books but can't afford to buy them right now, hit me up.

I'll take care of it.

Humor | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

Have you ever lived through an experience that was so humiliating that you wanted to die, but when you tell it to all your friends, they can't stop laughing?

Have you ever made a decision that seemed like a good idea at the time, but you're still living with the hilarious consequences years later?

If so, then grab a snack, get comfortable, and prepare to have all of your own poor life choices seem just a little bit more bearable.

You're welcome.

Short Stories
Available now from the following retailers

The nine stories of rage and sadness collected here range from the most intimate of human experiences to the wildest realms of magic and fantasy. The first story is a violent gut-punch to the soul, and the rest of them just hit harder from there.

Those who tough it out will find a book filled with as much hope as despair, a constant contradiction pulling you from one extreme to another.

Life might knock us down, over and over, and will the beat the ever-loving snot out of us from the time we're old enough to give it attitude until the day we finally let it win and stop getting up.

Always get back up.

Gaming | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

This isn't just a book. It's a portal to other worlds where there be magic and dragons and hilarious pirates. Okay, not really. But this book is about those portals, except they're called video games.

The Life Bytes series of books take a deep dive into one man's personal journey through childhood into kinda/sorta being a responsible, competent adult as told through the magical lens of whatever video games he was playing at the time.

Part One starts way back in 1975 and meanders down various digital pathways until, oh, around about 1993 or so.

If you're feeling nostalgic for the early days of gaming or if you just want to understand why the gamer in your life loves this hobby so much, take a seat in your favorite comfy chair and crack this bad boy open.

I'll try to not be boring.

Horror
Available now from the following retailers

What you are about to read is not a story. There is no beginning, middle, or end.

What follows is nothing more than a series of journal entries involving shadow people, sleep paralysis, and crippling fear. It’s not pretty, it doesn’t follow story logic, and nothing works out well in the end.

You've been warned.