Happy Fun Spam Times!

I get a lot of spam email. And when I say a lot, I mean, like, way more than should be legal. In the past, I’ve violently sent them to my Spam folder in a fit of impotent rage that never works, but recently I’ve taken a different tact. I’ve started replying…

Here’s a collection of some of my Happy Fun Spam Times emails. I’ll add to this post as I get more spam, so check back often. You know, if you’re in to that sort of thing.

(I killed the idea of making this into multiple posts, so I combined Part Two with this one. If you were redirected here from the other link, don’t panic. That was supposed to happen.)

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HAPPY FUN SPAM TIMES!

1. Gabbee
2. Jacqueline
3. Rebacca
4. Susan
5. Taherah
6. Go the Cowboys!
7. Carrie
8. James
9. J-Banks
10. Leanne
11. The Entire Internet Sales Force of Gary Crossley Ford
12. The Return of the Gabbee
13. The Talented Mister Hornet L
14. The Sygerian Prince
15. Breaking Sara
16. Victoria, Victoria
17. The Gong Show
18. Geaux the Tigers!
19. Lord Featherbottom

ENTRY #1: GABBEE

FROM: Gabbee B***** <m*****@pohankaofsalisbury.com> via dealersocket.com
TO: Kristian

Hi Lakeaska,

We hope by now you have taken the time to research to see just how the 2011 Mercedes-Benz M-Class is truly one of a kind. Here are a few helpful links to provide you with some additional information…

Let us know when your schedule sees fit for us to take you on a thorough demo drive in the M-Class . This way we can reassure you all of the safety and equipment this vehicle has to offer. This is a key element in the car shopping process!! Thank you!

Gabbee B*****
Mercedes-Benz of Salisbury
Internet Sales Manager

*******

FROM: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>
TO: Gabbee

Hi, Gabbee!

So good to hear from you! My name is only pronounced Lakeaska, though. It’s spelled K-r-i-s-t-i-a-n. Don’t sweat it, though. It’s a common mistake.

Anyway, I’ve clicked all of your links and thoroughly researched the 2011 Mercedes-Benz M-Class and concluded that it is truly one of a kind! I like how it has four tires, too. The last car I had only had 3 tires, since one was always flat. I tried to tell the dealership that I thought something was wrong, but they just looked at me like I was stupid. I’ll never go back to them again!

Which is why I was so excited to hear from you! I’ve thought about it long and hard, and I’ve decided to make the plunge! I want to buy the 2011 Mercedes-Benz M-Class from you, because it’s truly one of a kind. Just like me! I would like you to reassure me all of the safety though. I’m concerned that the equipment this vehicle has to offer might not fulfill my needs as a concert flügelhornist. I know the car is certainly roomy enough to contain my various flügelhorns, but I feature with live animals in my performances, which I have to transport from venue to venue. None of them are very large, and they’re all crate trained, but I do worry about storage space and ease of clean up. (Even with trained ferrets, accidents happen!) Can you tell me how many mid-sized dog kennels can fit in the car, along with a minimum of three flügelhorn cases? (It fills up faster than you think!)

Thanks so much for your reply, and I look forward to hearing from you soon!

-Kristian

*******

FROM: Gabbee B***** <m*****@pohankaofsalisbury.com> via dealersocket.com
TO: Kristian

I do not know the size of the Kennels you have or the flügelhorn case sizes however, I can offer you the rear cargo dimensions which is 40.7 cubic feet and with the rear seats folded down you have 72.4 cubic feet of cargo space.

Let me know if this will work for you.

Gabbee B*****
Mercedes-Benz of Salisbury
Internet Sales Manager

*******

FROM: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>
TO: GABBEE

Hrmmm, that might work, but do you have the dimensions in metric, by any chance? I only ask, because I’ve got a lot of performances booked on the west coast for the summer, and I’ve heard they use the metric system there. I wouldn’t want to get in trouble.

That said, I think that with the seats folded down, I’d have more than enough space. 72.4 cubic feet sounds pretty big, so it’s probably like 150 cubic centimeters or something in metric, which should be fine. One more question, though. Do you have to fold down ALL the seats, or can you leave one up? I’m curious, because I was thinking about bringing my daughter along with me this year, because she’s only 8 and I’m not sure I’m comfortable leaving her alone for three months. She’s very mature for her age, but a parent worries, ya know? I don’t think it’s legal for me to just let her sit on the floor of the car, and I’m really just more comfortable with her in a car seat, if at all possible.

Anyway, I think everything sounds good. If you could just let me know what the storage dimensions are with one seat up (if I can leave one seat up), I think that will be all the information I need. How soon can we start the buying process? Can I come in for a test drive?

Thanks,

-Kristian

*******

FROM: Gabbee B***** <m*****@pohankaofsalisbury.com> via dealersocket.com
TO: Kristian

There are Split Folding rear seats. You can choose how much of the rear cargo space to utilize.40.7 cubic feet = 1.1525 cubic meters and 72.4 cubic feet = 2.0501 cubic meters

You are welcome to come in any day before Sunday to take a test drive and complete a deal. What day and time works best for you?
Gabbee B*****
Mercedes-Benz of Salisbury
Internet Sales Manager

*******

FROM: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>
TO: Gabbee

Wow. 2 meters doesn’t sound like very much. Can I just get it in the feet, instead? Also, I don’t think I’ll be able to make it in this week, because I’m playing at a Black Mass on Sunday that I have to spend all weekend preparing for, and a couple days after just recovering. How does next Thursday sound? I’m going to be in Salisbury anyway, because I have to drop off an application with the city. I’m applying to be a Nuisance Officer, which doesn’t pay much but it’d keep me outdoors and it only requires a GED, so I’m good there. Wish me luck!

I was planning on swinging by around 4:00pm, since I have a meeting at the Wicomico County Behavioral Health office over on East Main, which isn’t too far from you. Sometimes the meetings run long, depending on if I’ve relapsed at all (which will probably happen a little bit this weekend, if I’m honest with myself), so I might be running a little late. Is that ok?

Thanks,
-Kristian

*******

FROM: Gabbee B***** <m*****@pohankaofsalisbury.com> via dealersocket.com
TO: Kristian

Just call me when you are on your way.

Gabbee B*****
Mercedes-Benz of Salisbury
Internet Sales Manager

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ENTRY #2: JACQUELINE

FROM: Jacqueline T***** <j*****@phoenix.edu>
TO: Kristian

Dear kaen,

I just wanted to make sure that I got in touch with you briefly to see if you still needed my assistance. I tried your contact number, but seemed to have missed you. Please send me a quick courtesy response to let me know of your current education goals or needs so that I can be sure I am assisting you appropriately. Thank you!

Sincerely,
Jacqueline T*****
Enrollment Advisor
University of Phoenix

*******

FROM: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>
TO: Jacqueline

You can stop trying to reach whoever Kaen is, because Kaen is obviously not bright enough to know that his email address is not my email address. And, while that alone might qualify him for acceptance into the hallowed halls of the esteemed University of Phoenix, I’ve “unsubscribed” from this spam three times already. PLEASE STOP.

I have never wanted to be a Phoenix.
I do not currently want to be a Phoenix.
I will never want to be a Phoenix.

Fly high, noble bird. Fly high and far, far away.

But like, seriously though. Buzz off.

Thanks,
-Kristian

*******

FROM: Jacqueline T***** <j*****@phoenix.edu>
TO: Kristian

Wow, that is a long email, I am just a person just like you Kristian and all you have to is pick up the phone and tell me this or send an email and I will take you off the list, trust me I want to help people that really want help!!!

Jacque T*****
Sr. Enrollment Advisor
University of Phoenix

*******

FROM: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>
TO: Jacque

Dearest Jacque,

I hope this letter finds you well. I’ve been meaning to write back and continue our correspondence, but I’ve been quite out of sorts lately. As you know, I’ve recently been adventuring in the Caribbean, which was mostly a jolly endeavor spent in the company of a merry band of plucky rogues and many a spirited lady. Unfortunately, I had a bit of a misadventure somewhere deep in the darkest ocean, and I found myself lost at sea for days. I had no crew or navigational instruments, and no provisions except a half-eaten corn dog. Luckily, I managed to come upon a charming pirate cove, and was subsequently able to secure passage aboard a small merchant vessel bound for the colonies, which eventually carried me back into the loving embrace of Lady Liberty. What a grand adventure it was!

But now, let us move on to less pleasant topics, as I address your previous letter. Sadly, dear, sweet Jacque, I am afraid that – unless you yourself are also a caustic, misanthropic bastard person – then you are not, if fact, a person just like me. Or maybe a little like me, in that you probably have thumbs. So there’s that.

However, rough genetic accidents of relation aside, I must regrettably ask that you please consider this official email my formal request to officially have my name formally removed from all future electronic communications from the University of Phoenix henceforth and forthwith, tootsweet and razor dazzle razzmatazz ramalamadingdong posthaste please and thank you goodbye.

We’ve had some good times, but it’s over now. Just go, baby. Don’t make it weird.

Thanks,
-Kristian

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ENTRY #3: REBACCA

FROM: Rebacca <d**@dscvxzc3.myddns.net>
TO: Kristian

Dear sir or madam

Good day.
We get your information from the Internet, this is Rebacca, from Ximmen Kreyoly Office Supplies Co., Ltd. which is a specialized manufacuturer of DUPLICATOR and COPIER consumables.

We can supply with Copier Toner Cartridge and Copier Parts, it’s related to Xerox, Toshiba, Minolta, Canon, Sharp, Kyocera, Panasonic and other brand copiers.

Also as a solo agnet of SEIKI, currently we can offer customers whole serise duplicator ink&master,duplicator parts for Seiki, Riso,Duplo, Ricoh&Gestetner.

If you are interested in our products, please feel free to contact us for enquires.

Your early reply will be appreciated.

Best regards,
Rebacca

*******

FROM: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>
TO: Rebacca

A hearty Wyaaaaaa. Ruh ruh to you, Rebacca!

And a very good day to you, sir or madam. (Or Wookie, as the case may be.)

I’m glad you got my information from the Internet! People used to get my information from the ARPAnet, but it was always spreading vicious rumors about my sex life because of that incident with FidoNet. But what’s done is done. Let’s no dwell on the past.

Anyway, I’m glad you’re a specialized manufacturerer of DUPLICATOR and COPIER consumables, because I go through DUPLICATOR and COPIER consumables like a coked-up lab rat in a hamster wheel, if you know what I’m saying.

Since you’re a solo agent of SEIKI, I’m assuming you know Dr. Murderdeath? I was one of his henchmen, back before Kate Archer disbanded H.A.A.R.M., so we might’ve bumped into each other at an evil mixer. I was the one in plaid. With the eyepatch.

Anyway, please send me all the information you have on your DUPLICATOR consumables, as I’m quite close to completing my clone army. I’ve only recently had to slow production, due to a lack of consumables necessary for the DUPLICATION process. I don’t think I’ll need any COPIER consumable at this time, but you never know. Send me some information, and I’ll look it over.

Great to hear from you, and your early reply to my early reply will be appreciated.

Even Bestester regards, and in the native Shyriiwook of your people, Rhawk-Arrgh, rrrooaarrgghh!

-Kristian
Coquetting Tarradiddles

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ENTRY #4: SUSAN

FROM: Susan R***** <s*****@textnow.me>
TO: Kristian

Hey I saw you on that dating site.. 21, Female here.. I thought we could talk more.. Shoot me a Text OK? My number is 402986**** – Hope you contact me soon. XOXO.

********

FROM: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>
TO: Susan

Excellent! I was hoping someone would see my profile on that dating site and email me. I tell you, it’s hard out there for the single dude pushing 40. If not for that dating site, I don’t know how I’d ever meet anyone here in Texas, let alone a 21 Female all the way in Howells, Nebraska (according to your phone number).

I know long distance relationships can be tricky, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. I don’t care if that means texting you my bank account details and my SSN, or just doing wire transfers whenever you need them. It’s my job as your boyfriend to take care of you, so I don’t mind.

It’s not like 975 miles is really all that far away, either. It’s only, like, a 15 hour drive. If I leave tonight right after work, I can be there by the time you wake up in the morning. What do you want for breakfast? I can pick something up on the way (Nebraska has Arby’s right?), or I can cook something when I get there. Just leave the door open for me, or maybe you could FedEx me a key tonight? I’ll text you the details.

I can’t wait to start our lives together. This is so exciting for me! Finally, I can have someone to share my passions with, because it’s not often I find another civil war enthusiast who believes in the same extraterrestrial influence on Grant’s Reconstructionist policies as I do. I can’t wait to have stimulating conversations long into the night about the role the Zeta Reticulian Greys played in carpetbagging, not to mention the impact the Reptilian/Nord conflict of 1863 had upon Louisiana’s 10% electorate plan! Oh, look at me, getting all worked up just thinking about it! I better stop now. Before I get too excited.

Anyway, I promise to always treat you right, and always be there for you. No one can stand between our love. Not even the reanimated corpse of Robert E. Lee they keep beneath the second Vatican in New Jersey. Oh yeah. THAT one. But don’t get me started.

Talk to you soon, sweetheart!

Hugs and kisses. Forever.

-Kristian

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ENTRY #5: TAHERAH

FROM: Taherah Habibi G******* <souldaughter1@*******.com>
TO: Kristian

Pls FWD to Bean if email is incorrect. Thanks.
P.s. Also, further down the road depending upon what relationship I’m permitted with our boys as well as budget, I may opt to discontinue the Netflix subscription as I rarely use it myself and have kept it primarily for their enjoyment. There will be a reasonable heads up should that come to be and the option to assume existing account as well.

Wayne’s World Party On!

Sent from my Windows Phone

*******

FROM: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>
TO: Taherah

Dear Taherah,

While I would love to forward this to Bean (as the email is woefully incorrect), I have no idea who Bean is. Unless it’s Mr. Bean, I guess. But then again, I don’t know Rowan Atkinson’s email address, either. Or maybe you mean this kid from that crappy Disney Channel show with the Shia LaButtNuggets kid or whatever his name was. Is. Whatever. But that character’s name was Beans, now that I think about it. With an s. So probably not.

Bean?

Well anyway, I hope Bean enjoys Wayne’s World, provided your email ever finds its way to the young child of indiscriminate gender food pronouns. It is a rollicking adventure filled with the whimsical exploits of two cable access hosts and a video game arcade, which should cause it to be considered historical fiction for anyone born after 1998. I do hope you are permitted a relationship with your boys and that your budget can withstand the massive hit of, what, the ten bucks a month that Netflix costs? It’s kind of outrageous, I know. That’s like, three Happy Meals a month out of your food budget. Or, worse, just over 2 Mighty Kids Meals, although why the ability to eat two more nuggets makes some kids mightier than others is a mystery that has always haunted me. But that’s neither here nor there. Let’s move on.

In short, you’ve got the wrong email address. There are no beans here, except for the ones in the back of my pantry that I keep in case I ever get a hankerin’ to tie all my worldly possessions into a handkerchief on a stick and hit the road to see how the hobo half lives o’er Big Rock Candy Mountain way. So I’m sorry, but I can’t really help you there.

Party Time! Excellent!

But what I can help you with is a tiny little piece of advice, leastways when it comes to dealing with kids in what sounds like a divorce and/or separation sort of situation, and that is simply this: Don’t Be A Dick.

Seriously, if you let your kids stream your Netflix, then let them stream your damn Netflix, regardless of what “relationship” you’re “permitted” to have with them. Tossing in a thinly veiled threat to withhold it if you don’t get whatever it is you want is a pretty shitty thing to do. Your kids aren’t fighting with your ex, you know. All Lil Bean wants to do is watch him some Wayne’s World, yo. Chill out.

Ever your pal,
-Kristian

*******

FROM: Taherah Habibi G******* <souldaughter1@*******.com>
TO: Kristian

Yeah, my memory served me incorrect as I forgot a few numerical characters. And while I enjoyed your courtesy reply, including to some extent the unsolicited advice.. Let me say, thank you from one unmet to another while I more kindly say that the situations of this particular stranger are far more complex than whatever assessment urged you to offer such advice. And although, I am not the “penis” per se, under the circumstance.. Your words have been duly noted.
::nod::

Thank you & Continue to inspire the giggles
T.

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ENTRY #6: GO THE COWBOYS!

FROM: bruce*****@nz.pwc.com
TO: Kristian, t*****

Terry
Keith’s contact is 027 777 ****. He is currently in Sydney but should be able to call you.
Email Keith <kbland**@gmail.com>

Keith

FYI
Terrys details are
Terry L***** <t*****@qbe.co.nz>@INTL
phone 02168****

I hope you guys can catch up
Best wishes
Bruce

*******

FROM: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>        
TO: kbland**, bruce, terry

Hello, Bruce and Terry and Keith! It’s a pleasure to meet you. My name is Kristian, and I’m a Capricorn. I’m from Texas, which is quite a long way from New Zealand, or even Sydney. I live in southeast Texas, which is basically Louisiana, but with less swamp and more refineries. And actually, pretty much the same amount of swamp. In fact, the only thing we have more of than swamp around here are churches. And churches in swamps. Also, guns. There are lots of those here, too. It’s usually hot and miserable, with a 100% chance of mosquitoes, and our state motto is, “Hey, At Least We’re Not Florida.”

But enough about Texas. I want to know more about you guys. So what are you up to these days, Bruce? Do you enjoy managing markets? It sounds pretty exciting. I’ve never dealt with PricewaterhouseCoopers before, but it seems like an awfully long sort of name, and gives the impression of something with a monocle in it. And perhaps a top hat. Maybe a cane. At any rate, it’s a very fancy sounding place and I, for one, am impressed.

And Terry! How are you, old boy? I see from your email address that you’re in the insurance game with QBE. Good for you! We need more insurance in this world, especially over here in America, where we basically need health insurance insurance, which covers all the costs our health insurance doesn’t pay, which is usually all the costs. We’ve recently tried something called the Affordable Healthcare Act, but all that seems to have done is make a lot of angry white people even angrier and has generally been regarded as a bad idea. Still, it’s the best thing we’ve managed to come up with so far, which is a little sad seeing as how we spend so much money protecting Americans by dropping bombs on other countries, but protecting Americans from dying by way of disease isn’t quite as important. Oh well, I guess we’re just quirky that way.

Which brings me, finally, to Keith. How are you doing, you old rascal? I see you’re cleverly using a gmail address, which makes it difficult to pin you down, apart from knowing that you’re in Sydney right now. Watch out for the drop bears. I hear they’re a real problem. Apart from that, I don’t have much to say other than your email address seems to be kbland**@gmail.com whereas mine is kbland@gmail.com. I can’t help but feel that the ** in your email address is of a somewhat important nature and probably shouldn’t be omitted, at the risk of emailing a random Texan with too much time on his hands while he waits for his dinner to finish cooking.

Well gents, it’s been nice getting to know you. Do take care and write back soon! I feel like we’re all going to be great friends!

Have a good day, or a g’day as it were for you, Keith, along with whatever they say in New Zealand. Probably something to do with hobbits, I imagine. Frodo Lives!

Ever your loyal friend,
Kristian

*******

FROM: bruce*****@nz.pwc.com
TO: Kristian

K
Not sure how you got this, I assume the hobbits got hold of our email; system, that sort of stuff happens here in Middle Earth. Still at least the chances of getting shot at school or eaten alive by mossies is low down here, and, if you do by chance, then we know a good insurance bloke!!!!!
I only know one other chap for Texas and he cant string two words together so you must be a rarity.
Keep well and go the Cowboys!!!!
B

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ENTRY #7: CARRIE

FROM: Carrie M***** <carrie*****@realtyaustin.com>
TO: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>

Hey Krista,

How are things?  Still on Rundberg?
I was just reviewing my home page on Realty Austin’s website and re-read the kind comments you said about me.  Thank you so much again!
Are you still at the hotel?
Still with your gf?

Anywhoo, just wanted to say hello, hope all’s well!

Thanks,
Carrie

Carrie xxxxxxx, REALTOR®, GRI, MRP
Residential Sales | Real Estate Investing| HUD Buyer Specialist | Military Relocation Professional | Leasing
c: 512-289-xxxx | f: 512-220-xxxx | carriexxxxx@realtyaustin.com

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FROM: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>
TO: Carrie M***** <carrie*****@realtyaustin.com>

Oh, Carrie. It’s so good to hear from you! Things have just been dreadful for me lately, so it’s nice to hear from a friendly voice. I know it’s been months since we last spoke, but I want you to know how much your friendship means to me. The process of looking for a new home can be fun, but you saved my girl friend and I weeks of home searching, and you were just so easy to speak with. It was unbelievably comforting to know that you were actually there to help, and not just add to your quota.

Unfortunately, things haven’t turned out so well lately. I know you matched our personalities to our condo, but I never really felt like the shower ever understood me, or my struggles with latent hydrophobia. That’s not your fault, though. It is my dark secret, and I don’t exactly broadcast it. But for the most part, things were great. At least, at first. My girl friend and I would eat pancakes in the morning and then she’d go off to work, and just before she’d come home, I’d wrap myself in a towel and spritz some Febreeze in my hair so she’d think I’d just walked out of the shower. It was happy times, back then. We’d make love on the kitchen floor, with the dishwasher running while the cold stickiness of the hard tile pressed firmly against the supple curves of my back.

And in the afternoons, we’d have pie.

Krista’s kind Carrie comments

But it wasn’t meant to be, I guess. Eventually, she grew tired of my hydrophobic tendencies and left me for someone else who could better meet her hygienic needs. Or at least that’s what she told me, anyway. Personally, I think she just changed. People do that. One minute, they’re pressing you hard against stained linoleum, and the next they’re leaving you for someone who smells like Pert Plus 2-in-1 Shampoo+Conditioner. I guess I’ll just never understand people. Not really, anyway.

Other than that, things have been ok. I’m going by Kristian now, since I needed a fresh start and I always felt like Krista just sounded a little empty, somehow. And I’ve been getting along fine on my own, and the condo is still putting out great vibes. In fact, I was just in the kitchen the other day, blending up a kale smoothy when I thought of you. I’d love to get together again, chat about old times, maybe have a few drinks and see what happens…

Unless you’re busy, in which case I totally understand. No pressure.

Think about it, though.

Like, for real.

xoxoxo,
-Kristian

*******

FROM: Carrie M***** <carrie*****@realtyaustin.com>
TO: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>

Wow, sounds like a lot has changed in your world!

Carrie xxxxxxx, REALTOR®, GRI, MRP
Residential Sales | Real Estate Investing| HUD Buyer Specialist | Military Relocation Professional | Leasing
c: 512-289-xxxx | f: 512-220-xxxx | carriexxxxx@realtyaustin.com

***************************************************

TIME PASSES…
I continue receiving Carrie’s monthly newsletter in:
November 2014
December 2014
January 2015
February 2015
March 2015
April 2015

AND THEN…

***************************************************

FROM: Carrie M***** <carrie*****@realtyaustin.com>
TO: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>

Hey Krista, good to hear from you. Unfortunately, that property went pending on 5/18. Let me know if you see anything else! Also, as I mentioned, if you lease from an apartment, just enter my name in the “How did you hear about us” box, and I’ll give you half of my commission.

Hope all’s well!

Carrie xxxxxxx, REALTOR®, GRI, MRP
Residential Sales | Real Estate Investing| HUD Buyer Specialist | Military Relocation Professional | Leasing
c: 512-289-xxxx | f: 512-220-xxxx | carriexxxxx@realtyaustin.com

***************************************************

FROM: Carrie M***** <carrie*****@realtyaustin.com>
TO: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>

This went pending on 6/1. 🙁

Carrie xxxxxxx, REALTOR®, GRI, MRP
Residential Sales | Real Estate Investing| HUD Buyer Specialist | Military Relocation Professional | Leasing
c: 512-289-xxxx | f: 512-220-xxxx | carriexxxxx@realtyaustin.com

***************************************************

FROM: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>
TO: Carrie M***** <carrie*****@realtyaustin.com>

Looks like Krista still hasn’t figured out that my email address is not her email address.

Please fix this.

Thanks,
Not Krista

***************************************************

FROM: Carrie M***** <carrie*****@realtyaustin.com>
TO: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>

Sorry, I will update my records.

Carrie xxxxxxx, REALTOR®, GRI, MRP
Residential Sales | Real Estate Investing| HUD Buyer Specialist | Military Relocation Professional | Leasing
c: 512-289-xxxx | f: 512-220-xxxx | carriexxxxx@realtyaustin.com

***************************************************

FROM: Carrie M***** <carrie*****@realtyaustin.com>
TO: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>

Krista, Not sure which email address is yours.  I can’t help you with a Craigslist ad unless the landlord will work with a Realtor.  Sorry!

Carrie xxxxxxx, REALTOR®, GRI, MRP
Residential Sales | Real Estate Investing| HUD Buyer Specialist | Military Relocation Professional | Leasing
c: 512-289-xxxx | f: 512-220-xxxx | carriexxxxx@realtyaustin.com

***************************************************

FROM: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>
TO: Carrie M***** <carrie*****@realtyaustin.com>

kbland@gmail is NOT whoever Krista is.

Sincerely,
Will Never Be Krista

***************************************************

FROM: Carrie M***** <carrie*****@realtyaustin.com>
TO: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>

Hi Krista,

One or more new/updated listing(s) match your search criteria:

MLS#: 5542405
New
5504 Liberton Ln
List Price: $1,350 Status: Active
Beds: 3 Baths: 3

Hope to hear from you soon!

Carrie xxxxxxx, REALTOR®, GRI, MRP
Residential Sales | Real Estate Investing| HUD Buyer Specialist | Military Relocation Professional | Leasing
c: 512-289-xxxx | f: 512-220-xxxx | carriexxxxx@realtyaustin.com

***************************************************

FROM: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>
TO: Carrie M***** <carrie*****@realtyaustin.com>

Oh, good lord.

Do I need to buy a house to finally be removed from these emails?

Eternally Yours (apparently),
Never Was And Never Will Be Krista

***************************************************

FROM: Carrie M***** <carrie*****@realtyaustin.com>
TO: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>

Hi Krista,

One or more new/updated listing(s) match your search criteria:

MLS#: 5557639
Contingent
5612 Mesquite Grove Rd
List Price: $1,450 Status: Active Contingent
Beds: 4 Baths: 2

Hope to hear from you soon!

Carrie xxxxxxx, REALTOR®, GRI, MRP
Residential Sales | Real Estate Investing| HUD Buyer Specialist | Military Relocation Professional | Leasing
c: 512-289-xxxx | f: 512-220-xxxx | carriexxxxx@realtyaustin.com

***************************************************

FROM: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>
TO: Carrie M***** <carrie*****@realtyaustin.com>

Just sayin’

https://www.coqdiddles.com/2014/05/29/happy-fun-spam-times/#7

Sincerely,
Is Not Now Nor Ever Has Been A Member Of The Kristaist Party

***************************************************

ENTRY #8: JAMES

FROM: James Patterson n*****@newinsider.com
TO: Kristian

Keiona,

This site has been trying to reach you in order to discuss schools that may off you financial aid packages.

Important: Take the Next Step Now

You may be eligible for this financial aid.

Please visit our page on this to learn more

Sincerely,
James

*******

FROM: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>
TO: James

James,

First off, I’m a HUGE fan of your work. That said, I’m still a little pissed that you cast Tyler Perry as Alex Cross in “Alex Cross, Starring Madea And Her Sassy Black Shotgun”. I’m not sure I’m ready to forgive you for that just yet though, so let’s not dwell on it.

I’d rather talk about this site that’s been trying to reach me in order to discuss schools that may off my financial aid packages. I find that a little hostile, even coming from an accomplished thriller writer such as yourself. I mean, I realize you have to spice up the plot, but I think having entire schools out to murder my financial aid options might be jumping the shark a little bit. Like, even more than that time you thought it’d be a good idea to have Mabel Simmons go running around Detroit with a shotgun in the film version of “Alex Cross, Diary Of A Mad Black Woman”. Still, I appreciate the offer. I’m just not sure it’s for me.

Thanks for thinking of me, though. I’d visit your page to learn more, but all I ever needed to know I learned from reading “Don’t Make a Black Woman Take Off Her Earrings,” by James Patterson writing as Alex Cross writing as Tyler Perry writing as Madea. It was an eye opener for me.

Anyway, keep up the great work, and if my finances ever need any cross dressing justice, I’ll have you on speed dial.

But not really.

Sincerely,
-Kristian

***************************************************

ENTRY #9: J-BANKS

FROM: j-banks1@cfl.*****.com
TO: Kristian

Kathleen Bland of 600 E E***** St, Taylorville Il,

Do you need to sell your property fast?
Home values have been risen in your location.
We’re looking for houses in your area and have buyers ready to pay top dollar.

*******

FROM: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>
TO: j-banks1

Dear Mister or Misses Or Miss or Master or Gender Neutral Honorific J-Banks,

Thank you for your timely email, as I do, in fact, need to sell my property fast! As you know, home values have been risen (in His name) in my location, and I need to take advantage of the increased values as quickly as possible. I’m also glad that you pay top dollar, because you can bet your bottom dollar that I’ll accept nothing less.

Since my home value has been risen (praise His glory), then it’s only a matter of time until I, too, am Raptured away from this world. I fear, however, that my second cousin (twice removed, on my mother’s side) is most definitely not destined for such a glorious fate. And even though he is a sinner and probably one of the gays, I still love him and would like to leave him some money to help him survive the Tribulation.

As you are no doubt aware, he will require the Mark of the Beast, which I suspect will be an Obamacare microchip he’ll have to pay for with estate taxes on any inheritance I leave him, so I’d like to get this deal done quickly and get him the money sooner, rather than later. Time is of the essence, Mr/Mrs/Miss/Mstr/Neuter J-Banks!

Please contact me at your earliest convenience, and let’s move forward with this before all that’s left of me is a pile of clothes on the kitchen floor. JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL! AMEN!

In His name (praise be),

-Kristian

***************************************************

ENTRY #10: Leanne

FROM: Leanne L. G****** <L******@acdsinc.org>
TO: Kristian, kbland1

Hi –

I am working on your file and saw 2 deposits into your checking account that I need an explanation for:

One deposit is described as Johns Hopkins AP Trade Pay for $99.74 – What is Trade Pay?
Another deposit is described as US Treasury 312 XXCIV Serv – Is this additional income?
Also, is Latetia Bland (your daughter) on your statements for emergency reasons only?

Thanks!

Leanne G******
Senior Housing Financial Advisor
A****** Community Development Services, Inc
2*** R*** Rd., #210
Annapolis, MD 21401

*******

FROM: Kristian Bland <kbland@gmail.com>
TO: Leanne

Hi, Leanne!

Trade Pay is when me and Shauna from Accounting trade pay. It’s kinda like when you have lunch and your mom packed you a tuna sandwich, but you don’t really like tuna, so you trade it to your friend for their snausage roll. Except it’s with money. See, Shauna’s paycheck was for $99.74 and mine was only for, like, $27 bucks and some crappy ass change. We don’t really like each other much, but I traded her my Tootsie Rolls back in 7th grade and she never did give me the Blow Pop she promised, so her skank ass owed me. It was time to collect.

The other one is a little more complicated. That deposit was from the Treasury, which I assumed meant I’d won some treasure, probably on account of how I went as a sexy pirate for Halloween this year. I won first prize at Sue Ann Moseley’s costume party, but I didn’t get nothing but a silly ass little plastic trophy. Damn thing wasn’t even metal! It was just painted with, like, metal spray paint or something she done up in her stinky old garage. Super lame. So I just thought that was her making it right. Cuz she knows I don’t let things go when I been wronged! I don’t play that game.

Like with you and this email. First, you said you had a couple of quick questions, but then you go and ask three. A couple means two, honey. I know because more than two is, like, a threesome. My boyfriend keeps asking me for one, and I don’t know what he expects. We’re a couple, not a couple with a side of Vikki Sanders’ hooty hole from down the street! Damn straight.

Anyway, Latetia’s on my statements because she’s a broke ass kid, and she’s always needing money for something or other. So I just put her on my damn account so she can just go take out the money her own self and stop bothering me every time she needs to get her nails did. Or, I dunno, like eat or something. Kids, amirite?!

I hope that helps. Have a great day!

Sincerely,
-Kristian

***************************************************

ENTRY #11: The Entire Internet Sales Force of Gary Crossley Ford

FROM: Ashley
TO: Kristian

Hi Edwin,

Maybe you already spoke to Lisa and if so, I apologize for the duplication.

I just wanted to make sure you got all the information you needed.

Lisa was going to give you a call, is (816) 781-xxxx the best number to reach you during the day?

Thank you,

Ashley
Customer Relations Representative
Gary Crossley Ford

********

FROM: Kristian
TO: Ashley

You can call me any time. But do me a favor. When you give me a call, could you also let me know that my email address is not what I think my email address is, so that some innocent guy in Texas will stop getting a bunch of emails from a car dealership in Missouri? Thanks!

Sincerely,
Not Edwin

********

FROM: Ashley
TO: Kristian

Hi Edwin,

I just wanted to follow up and make sure Lisa got you all the information you needed; did Lisa contact you?

Thanks,

Ashley
Customer Relations Representative
Gary Crossley Ford

********

FROM: Kristian
TO: Ashley

Hello again, Ashley! So good to hear from you once more. I was worried that my reply to your last email, wherein I informed you that I am not, in fact, this Edwin person might have persuaded you not to contact me again. I’m very happy that it hasn’t.

So how are things? I’ve been doing pretty well not being Edwin, myself. Work is kind of a pain right now, but what can you do? Vaudeville performers just aren’t that in demand anymore, and I have 17 hungry ferrets to feed. But I can’t complain, really. The life of a traveling ferret minstrel isn’t for everyone. It’s more of a calling than a career, really.

Anyway, I hope you’re doing well. Please let me know if you need any additional information from me about the information I didn’t request about the car I don’t want from a dealership in a state I don’t live in because I’m not Edwin. I’m always eager to help.

Take care!

Sincerely,
Still Not Edwin

********
AT THIS POINT, LISA DECIDED TO GET IN TOUCH WITH ME…
********

FROM: Lisa
TO: Kristian

Edwin

Just wanted to drop a quick line and find out if there are any more questions I can answer for you concerning the 2014 Ford Explorer you inquired about?

Lisa
Sales Consultant
Gary Crossley Ford
8050 N Church Rd
http://www.garycrossleyford.com/

********

Hi, Lisa! I do have one quick question concerning the 2014 Explorer that you might be able to help me with. Is it possible that owning such a fine vehicle could change my life? I only ask, because everyone at your dealership is all over each other, emailing this Edwin person like he’s some kind of white whale, and you’re all desperate for him to speak to you about the 2014 Explorer. Unfortunately, I can only imagine what being so influential and admired must feel like, since I am not Edwin.

So I was just curious if traveling from Texas to Missouri to buy this Explorer from one of your many fine salespeople who won’t leave me alone about it could make me feel as special as whoever the hell Edwin is. If so – if buying this monstrosity of an automobile could gain me the respect and gravitas I’ve always wanted in my life – then, please. Tell me more about the 2014 Explorer and what all I can expect to change in my life after buying one.

If not, however, please stop emailing Edwin about it, because he might not be as amazing as all of you think he is, since he doesn’t even know that my email address is not his email address.

Sincerely,
I Will Never Be Edwin

********
LISA FAILED TO REPLY, BUT I DID GET PASSED TO AMANDA…
********

FROM: Amanda
TO: Kristian

Hi Edwin,
Amanda here on behalf of Gary Crossley Ford, just wanting to touch base with you and see if you were still interested in a new Explorer? We have some great options available for you! Please give me a call or feel free to send me an email as well! I hope to hear from you soon!

Amanda
CRC Agent
Gary Crossley Ford
8050 N Church Rd
http://www.garycrossleyford.com/

********

FROM: Kristian
TO: Amanda

Hi, Amanda! Unfortunately, I have lost all interest in a new Explorer, since I never had any interest in a new Explorer, since I’m not this Edwin person seemingly everyone at your dealership is desperate to talk to.

I did almost buy a Pinto once, but just before I sealed the deal, I had a falling out with the Ford motor company over a dispute involving failure to pay me for services rendered involving my juggling ferret act at one of their big corporate parties. (I juggle the ferrets. However, the ferrets do not, in fact, juggle. Because they’re ferrets.) Due to Lee Iacocca’s confusion over who or what was being juggled in my act, they refused payment for a performance I gave during one of their freaky masked balls back in the ’70s. It was really weird because I had to wear a blindfold and there was a lot of chanting and incense and I think Tom Cruise was there even though he wasn’t famous yet, and there was a bit with a dog and…well, I’d rather not talk about it.

Anyway, as I’ve repeatedly told several other other employees of Gary Crossley Ford, please allow me to reiterate that I am not Edwin. I am a traveling vaudevillian ferret juggling performance artist, and I have no interest in buying a car from a dealership in a state I’ll never go back to after the whole Moon Pie incident of ’63.

Sincerely,
Nope. Still Not Edwin.

********

FROM: Amanda
TO: Kristian

Ok great thank you for letting me know that you are not Edwin, and we will take you off our list!

********

FROM: Kristian
TO: Amanda

***************************************************

ENTRY #12: THE RETURN OF THE GABBEE

Oh, Gabbee! It’s SO good to hear from you again. I’ve been having just a devil of a time lately, and I never have been able to make it in for that test drive. But a lot has been going on.

It actually all started when I was heading your way. As you might recall, I first needed to drop off an application with the city before coming over to your place for the test drive. Well, you’ll never guess what happened! THEY HIRED ME ON THE SPOT!

That’s right, I’ve been working as an official Nuisance Officer for over a month now, and it’s become my obsession. I haven’t even had time to practice my flügelhorning in weeks, I’ve been so busy. But it’s really rewarding work, and it’s done a lot to keep me from slipping back into my old habits.

By keeping me grounded with a regular, 9 to 5 gig, I’m not out on the road anymore, living the sex and drugs party lifestyle of the professional flügelhornist circuit. I’ve even sold most of my ferrets, but I kept Lulu and Poovey because I’m just too attached to them, and it’s important to remember where you came from, right?

But anyway, I’m back on track now and I’ve even managed to save up enough money for a down payment, I think. My credit is kinda awful (which is totally not my fault, by the way…I got behind on all my payments after I went to prison for six months because of my stupid ex), but I’m working on rebuilding it. I have about $1000 saved up right now, so I think I’m pretty much almost there.

Can we reschedule that test drive now? I’d really love to get behind the wheel of a Mercedes and find out what responsibility feels like!

Thanks,
-Kristian

***********

***************************************************

ENTRY #13: THE TALENTED MISTER HORNET L

OMG! I’m, like, totally stoked about this AWESOME opportunity!!! Seriously, like, I’m mega good at being totally sneaky, but not, like, in a sketchy kinda way or anything. Totally legit. For real real.

Anyway, I hope you guys will get back with me soon. I can’t wait to get started!

Please firts register for the 0pen_p0s1t10n with my p3r$oNaL info!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. FuIIN4ME : kri$7IaN 8l@ND
2. FullAdress : 221B CULInaRi@n @V3nu3
3. Stte | Cty : B3@um0n7, 7eXas
4. CodZ!p : 77707
5. Phones : 409.867.5309
6. O.c.c.u.p.a.t.i.o.n : elit3 secR3t $pY 5hopp3r aGent

Thanks,
-kri$7IaN
***************************************************

ENTRY #14: THE SYGERIAN PRINCE

Salutations,

I am representing an interested investor from Big Money Texas, interested in overseas investment involving big, fat stacks. Dolla dolla bills, y’all! HOLLA!

Anyway, I’d be happy to help your client invest large amounts of paper in my country under qualified whatever you said. I don’t even much care if it’s legal or not, I just wanna get paaaaid! WHAT WHAT!

Alright, so I’m hitting you back on the down low. I get that. We’re cool, baby. You just get back to me with the deets, and we’ll make this shit happen. Balls out style. SHIZ-NAM!

Let’s hook each other up and Imma get on this shit, ASAP. So, like, your prompt attention would be sweet, brah.

Thanks,
-Kristian
***************************************************

ENTRY #15: BREAKING SARA

Hi, Sara.

Yes, I’m still looking for a good piece of real estate in the area. I haven’t had much luck yet, however. I have certain requirements that any property I consider must meet, and so far I haven’t been able to find anything that quite lines up with my specialized needs. Maybe you could help me with that.

Currently, I work from home, but I’m looking for a second, more permanent location to really expand my market and separate my work life from my home life. My business is very demanding, and often involves individuals I’d rather keep separate from my family, who are very important to me. I have a disabled son, and my wife just had a surprise baby we hadn’t planned for. It can be a lot to handle at times, but I love them all dearly, and I feel like securing their futures is worth the headaches I have to deal with at work. I run a small manufacturing business specializing in the production of unique crystals for use in designer jewelry for independent boutiques called “Crystalline Solids by Schrödinger.” It’s a bit of a mouthful, but business has really taken off in the past few months, and I need to really push things forward if I want to maintain my momentum.

As such, I’m looking for one of two potential properties. The first would ideally be located in an industrial area. I wouldn’t mind (and would prefer, actually) sharing the building with another business. I am willing to assume all costs associated with the property, so that might help entice a local business already occupying a building to let me come in and share the space. I don’t need much room, but my work involves caustic chemicals and various processes that would be best suited to cohabitation with another business that is familiar with industrial waste and the proper handling of various chemical reagents. Something like an industrial laundry would be perfect.

Failing that, a simple home could work, provided the neighbors would be tolerant of my working from home. My business isn’t usually noisy or high traffic, and I wouldn’t have customers coming to the door or anything of that nature. However, due to the aforementioned chemical reactions involved in my manufacturing process, there would, at times, be a discernible odor exhausted from the property. I worry that such things have no business in a residential area, though. But if you can find a suitable neighborhood, I would be more than willing to give it all due consideration.

Lastly, I’m looking to diversify my portfolio and, while I’m not sure you’d be the right person to ask about this, I figured I’d give it a shot. Do you know of any local businesses in the area that are either struggling financially, or would just be willing to sell me their interests at a fair price? I would like additional revenue streams to fortify my investments, so something like a car wash or pest control company would be perfect. I know it’s a long shot, but it can’t hurt to ask!

Anyway, thank you very much for your help. I look forward to hearing back from you.

Thanks,
-Kristian

***************************************************

ENTRY #16: VICTORIA, VICTORIA

FROM: Victoria B***
TO: Kristian Bland

Enjoy this wonderful brick home in popular Murray UT

6 bedrooms
4 1/2 bathrooms
Built in 1993
3402 Sq Ft (1760 upstairs, 1642 downstairs)
Central Air Cooling
Water Softener
New Heater
2 car garage
Double Garage
Front porch with table & chairs
Heated Pool (13 X 32)
A1 Shed ( 8 X 12)
Access to field (in back)
Handicap access
Vinyl fencing in back
RV Gate covered
Full walk in apartment (in basement) Full kitchen, family room, two bathrooms, 3 bedrooms.
Granite countertops,
Electric Fireplace (warms fast)
Bay windows in Master suite

$425,000

Thanks,

Victoria B***
801-240-4***

NOTICE: This email message is for the sole use of the intended recipient(s) and may contain confidential and privileged information. Any unauthorized review, use, disclosure or distribution is prohibited. If you are not the intended recipient, please contact the sender by reply email and destroy all copies of the original message.

*******

FROM: Kristian Bland
TO: Victoria B***

I’m very impressed that you think so highly of your spam as to include a SUPER OFFICIAL NOTICE that implies it’s basically my fault that you stuffed your unsolicited junk mail into my inbox, then demand that I DESTROY ALL COPIES of the message that I was somehow not authorized to view, despite it being sent to me.

Accordingly, please be advised that I have printed out two dozen copies of your email and, not only do I refuse to destroy them, but I have physically mailed each copy to a different recipient in 24 separate states. I have enclosed instructions that each copy must be used in one or more of the following ways:

A) As liner for a bird/hamster/ferret/etc… cage
B) As a tissue, for whatever one might use a tissue for. (Five of the copies were sent to teenage boys.)
C) As toilet paper after a heavy meal

Upon completion of one of more of these uses, the copy is then to be put neatly back into a new envelope and physically mailed to:

Church of Jesus Christ of LDS
c/o Victoria B***
8** N 1** E
Pleasant Grove, UT 84062-1744*

When you receive these parcels, please be aware that I hereby prohibit you to review, use, disclose or distribute them. Furthermore, I demand that you immediately destroy all copies under penalty of duck duck sausage fingers.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Thanks, and have a great day!
-Kristian

*not really

***************************************************

ENTRY #17: THE GONG SHOW

FROM: Jim Gong (jim.gong@xxxxxxxxxxxxx.org)
TO: Kristian Bland

Dear CEO,

(If you are not the person who is in charge of this, please forward this to your CEO, because this is urgent, Thanks)

We are a Network Service Company which is the domain name registration center in Shanghai, China.
We received an application from Huayu Ltd on May 4, 2015. They want to register ” coqdiddles ” as their Internet Keyword and ” coqdiddles .cn “、” coqdiddles .com.cn ” 、” coqdiddles .net.cn “、” coqdiddles .org.cn ” domain names etc.., they are in China domain names. But after checking it, we find ” coqdiddles ” conflicts with your company. In order to deal with this matter better, so we send you email and confirm whether this company is your distributor or business partner in China or not?

Best Regards,
Jim
General Manager
Shanghai Office (Head Office)
3xxx, Jiulong Building, No. xxx Nandan Road,
Xuhui District, Shanghai 200070, China
Tel: +86 216xxx xxxx
Mobile: +86 1870xxx xxxx
Fax: +86 216xxx xxxx
Web: www.xxxxxxxxxxxxx.org

*******

FROM: Kristian Bland
TO: Jim Gong

Thank you very much for contacting me!

I am very concerned that Huayu Ltd would attempt to infringe upon my trademark by registering coqdiddles in China. I believe this stems from a long-standing feud between the Bland and Huayu families that goes back to an incident in 1882, when three Huayus killed Ellison Bland in cold blood. My family visited righteous vengeance upon the cowardly Huayus in kind, which led to years of escalating conflict between our houses. I’d thought the feud had gone quiet in recent decades, but it has clearly not been forgotten by the unclean Huayu family.

I will not allow this travesty of justice to happen! I hereby forbid any and all registrations of my family’s sacred coqdiddles lineage to be usurped by anyone associated with Huayu Ltd. Please consider this direct authorization from the CEO of the entire coqdiddles empire to deny any and all attempts by Huayu Ltd to register any coqdiddles domains in China.

Go the cowboys!

Sincerely,
Kristian Bland
Chief Executive Officer of Coqdiddles Enterprises International
Lord Protector of the 9 Coqs and Keeper of the 72 Diddles

*******

FROM: Kristian Bland
TO: Jim Gong

Dear Mr. Gong,

I replied to your email 15 minutes ago, and have not yet received a response. Please contact me immediately, as this is urgent because you said this was urgent so please treat it with some urgency because it’s probably urgent because you said it was urgent!

I am very nervous that the highly valuable trademarks of the international recognized Coqdiddles brand are about to be compromised by a foreign entity. Please respond as quickly as possible, so that we may resolve this matter before any damage is done.

For great justice!

Sincerely,
Kristian Bland
Chief Executive Officer of Coqdiddles Enterprises International
Lord Protector of the 9 Coqs and Keeper of the 72 Diddles

*******

FROM: Kristian Bland
TO: Jim Gong

Mr. Gong,

It has now been a FULL THIRTY MINUTES since I replied to your URGENT EMAIL, and I have still not received a response. Please understand that any damages to my brand or additional costs accrued in defending it from the attacks of Huayu Ltd that result from YOUR INACTION will be dealt with accordingly.

I intend to hold A Network Service Company Which Is The Domain Name Registration Center In Shanghai, China DIRECTLY ACCOUNTABLE for your personal failure to respond to my reply in a timely manner. Furthermore, I will hold you personally responsible for any additional inaction on your part, and will pursue compensation TO THE FULLEST EXTENT OF THE LEGAL LAW STUFF.

I urge you to respond to me as soon as possible, so that any unpleasantness between us can be avoided. I would very much like to consider a partnership with A Network Service Company Which Is The Domain Name Registration Center In Shanghai, China to protect my interests in your country. However, failure will not be tolerated. What could be a mutually beneficial partnership can quickly devolve into a NEMESIS SITUATION that neither of us want. But that you probably do not want even less more than I don’t not more want it.

Slip and fall down carefully!

Sincerely,
Kristian Bland
Chief Executive Officer of Coqdiddles Enterprises International
Lord Protector of the 9 Coqs and Keeper of the 72 Diddles

*******

FROM: Kristian Bland
TO: Jim Gong

Dear Mr. Gong (if that is, in fact, your real name),

It is clear to me now that the Huayu family has already gotten to you, and that you have allied yourself with their filth. SO BE IT!

You and the entire A Network Service Company Which Is The Domain Name Registration Center In Shanghai, China are now dead to me. Please make no attempt to correct your shameful actions on this fateful day. Nothing is forgiven!

As is the custom of my people, I have printed out a copy of your original email and will bury it, forthwith, at the crossroads on the outskirts of town tonight at midnight, whereupon a wizened old hermit man will appear from the shadows and demand three sacrificial emu eggs in exchange for eternally cursing you, your entire family, and everyone employed by A Network Service Company Which Is The Domain Name Registration Center In Shanghai, China! Woe be unto you, sir! WOE!

All of this could have been avoided, had you only responded to my reply to your URGENT EMAIL in a timely manner, but we both know that was never your intent. You are clearly a mole sent by the Huayu family to win my trust before stabbing me in the back. But I’ve outsmarted you and the disgusting Huayus YET AGAIN.

I will not let this travesty of justice continue!

Do not bother replying. There can be no salvation for your damned soul.

Alea iacta est!

Sincerely,
Kristian Bland
Chief Executive Officer of Coqdiddles Enterprises International
Lord Protector of the 9 Coqs and Keeper of the 72 Diddles

*******

FROM: Jim Gong
TO: Kristian Bland

Please stop.

Best Regards,
Jim
General Manager
Shanghai Office (Head Office)
3xxx, Jiulong Building, No. xxx Nandan Road,
Xuhui District, Shanghai 200070, China
Tel: +86 216xxx xxxx
Mobile: +86 1870xxx xxxx
Fax: +86 216xxx xxxx
Web: www.xxxxxxxxxxxxx.org

***************************************************

ENTRY #18: GEAUX THE TIGERS!

FROM: Quinton Hxxxxx
TO: Kashawn Bland

Greetings prospective student,

I would like to thank you for meeting with Southern University and A&M College this past school year. It was a true pleasure to speak with you on the many opportunities one would receive by furthering their education here at Southern University.

The great Southern University and A&M College is located in Baton Rouge, Louisiana overlooking the Mississippi River and has produced leaders in fields ranging from nursing, engineering, agriculture, business, etc. The mission of Southern University is to provide opportunities for a diverse student population to achieve a high-quality, global educational academic experience. It is important for YOU to continue striving for high grade point averages and test scores.

Seniors should go on-line to subr.edu and APPLY! The steps to the application process are quite simple.

1. Apply–online

2. Application fee ($20 money order)

3. Immunization shot record for measles, mumps and rubella

4. Immunization shot record for meningitis

5. Official ACT/SAT scores(s)

6. Transcript. A six semester transcript with a senior class schedule or a seven transcript that include your senior class schedule.

After the application has been completed on-line the supporting documents can be mailed or faxed to the admissions office. We invite you to our web-site, subr.edu to explore areas of academic affairs, student affairs and athletics.

If you have any questions please contact me, xxxxxxxxxxxxx@xxxx.xxx or xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Again, I wanted to extend thanks for visiting with Southern University this past school year. We look forward to seeing you soon.

Quinton Hxxxx
Admissions Recruiter
Southern University and A&M College
Baton Rouge, Louisiana 70813
(P) xxx-xxx-xxx
(F) xxx-xxx-xxx

*******

FROM: Kristian Bland
TO: Quinton Hxxxx

***************************************************

ENTRY #19: LORD FEATHERBOTTOM

FROM: Brie Sxxx (briesxxxx@xxxxxxxxx.org)
TO: Kristian Bland

Hello Kay,

I saw that you inquired about a home in Lathrup Village a while back. I was just touching base to see if you would still like to see that property? If there is anything I can do to add value to your search, please feel free to reach out!

Sincerely,

Brie Sxxxx
Kxxxxx Wxxxxxxx
Phone: (708) 712-xxxx

*******

FROM: Kristian Bland
TO: Brie Sxxx (briesxxxx@xxxxxxxxx.org)

Hello, Brie!

I might be interested in the home in Lathrop Village, but first you need to stop calling me Kay. I’ve recently changed by name to Lord Featherbottom, and I would very much prefer for you refer to me as such. You can either call me Lord or Mr. Featherbottom, but I don’t answer to that old name anymore.

Please don’t question my lifestyle choice. Kay was a different person than the man I am today, and I’ve left her behind. She would often make silly mistakes, like how she could never remember her email address, or that time she went up against a Sicilian when death was on the line and barely got out alive. I want no part of her old life.

Anyway, I’m not sure the home in Lathrop Village is a good fit for me. I mean, it was fine for Kay, but I really want to put some distance between who I was then and who I am now. Besides, I don’t even know what your policy is on the owning and training of highly skilled performance ferrets, so maybe we should expand our search to include other areas?

Where would you recommend? Please also consider my acoustical needs for any home I look at. Not many homes have the resonance properties necessary to really capture the essence of my flügelhorn compositions, which are essential to my livelihood.

Thanks, and I look forward to hearing from you soon!

With Great Respect,

-Lord Featherbottom

*******

FROM: Brie Sxxx (briesxxxx@xxxxxxxxx.org)
TO: Kristian Bland

Dear Mr. Featherbottom,

I will set you up on a search right now that fits your ferret training and flugelhorn requirements. Anything I can do to save you time so that you can write more long winded emails is a win for me. 

Happy Friday!

Brie Sxxxx
Kxxxxx Wxxxxxxx
Phone: (708) 712-xxxx

*******

FROM: Kristian Bland
TO: Brie Sxxx (briesxxxx@xxxxxxxxx.org)

Oh my goodness, I hope you didn’t try to read my whole email out loud! However, I can only assume you did, because otherwise no wind should’ve been involved with the written word. Please accept my apology, as I never wished to cause you any undue physical exertion.

As for my search, this is splendid news! Please send me a list of potential properties that meet my criteria, posthaste. I am giddy with anticipation over here. Absolutely giddy!

Your pal,
-Lord Featherbottom, High Protector of the Seven Realms, Keeper of the Sacred Flame, Mother of Dragons, and Inventor of Nothing Useful

*******

She then proceeded to save a search in some horrible real estate site that started spamming my inbox every few minutes until I finally managed to unsubscribe from it.

Well played, Brie. Well played.

*******

BACK TO TOP

Want some books? 'Course ya do!

NOTE:  I know times are hard and yeah, I need to make a living too, but if you want to read any of my books but can't afford to buy them right now, hit me up.

I'll take care of it.

Humor | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

Have you ever lived through an experience that was so humiliating that you wanted to die, but when you tell it to all your friends, they can't stop laughing?

Have you ever made a decision that seemed like a good idea at the time, but you're still living with the hilarious consequences years later?

If so, then grab a snack, get comfortable, and prepare to have all of your own poor life choices seem just a little bit more bearable.

You're welcome.

Short Stories
Available now from the following retailers

The nine stories of rage and sadness collected here range from the most intimate of human experiences to the wildest realms of magic and fantasy. The first story is a violent gut-punch to the soul, and the rest of them just hit harder from there.

Those who tough it out will find a book filled with as much hope as despair, a constant contradiction pulling you from one extreme to another.

Life might knock us down, over and over, and will the beat the ever-loving snot out of us from the time we're old enough to give it attitude until the day we finally let it win and stop getting up.

Always get back up.

Gaming | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

This isn't just a book. It's a portal to other worlds where there be magic and dragons and hilarious pirates. Okay, not really. But this book is about those portals, except they're called video games.

The Life Bytes series of books take a deep dive into one man's personal journey through childhood into kinda/sorta being a responsible, competent adult as told through the magical lens of whatever video games he was playing at the time.

Part One starts way back in 1975 and meanders down various digital pathways until, oh, around about 1993 or so.

If you're feeling nostalgic for the early days of gaming or if you just want to understand why the gamer in your life loves this hobby so much, take a seat in your favorite comfy chair and crack this bad boy open.

I'll try to not be boring.

Horror
Available now from the following retailers

What you are about to read is not a story. There is no beginning, middle, or end.

What follows is nothing more than a series of journal entries involving shadow people, sleep paralysis, and crippling fear. It’s not pretty, it doesn’t follow story logic, and nothing works out well in the end.

You've been warned.