‘Just Say No!’ to Exposed Dude Toes

Guys, we need to talk about the sandals situation. Nobody wants to look at your hobbit feet.

Flickr / kraybon

It’s a commonly known fact of the universe that dudes have disgusting feet. Whether it’s a quirk of nature or by design is up for debate, but the inescapable fact is that nobody – except maybe a certain niche corner of the internet – wants to look at them. Nobody. Ever.

And yet, everywhere I go lies an ocean of hairy toes and foot fat before me. It’s almost enough to put me off my lunch, but a man’s gotta eat. I power through it.

What’s wrong with shoes, though? You know, those things what decent folk wear on their feet to hide their weird clodhoppers from the world? I don’t mean to foot shame anyone, sincerely, and I could understand if we were on the beach and everyone was wearing flippity-flops or whatever, but I should be able to go out to eat at a restaurant without having to endure a parade of constant toenail torment while I’m trying to avert my eyes from the twin disasters flapping around at the end of your legs.

I’m not just talking about Birkenstocks, either. Or the knock-off Walmart brand you got on sale the other day. There are also those Nike slipper/sandal things that guys are wearing these days, but at least they usually have enough self-respect to wear socks with them. Sure, they shuffle along like shambling dad zombies in the convenience store and look like they just got out of bed, but whatever. At least I don’t have to see their toes.

Women, of course, can get away with open-toe shoes and sandals. Sure, you could call it a double standard if you really wanted to, but the fairer sex just has fairer feet. It’s a scientific fact that scientists have proven with science. Fight me.

Yeah, they’re still feet, but they’re usually not hairy, hobbit-toed abominations just hanging out like it’s no big deal. Maybe it’s because they get pedicures and sometimes paint their toenails, but I don’t really think any of that matters. They just have better feet than us guys. Accept it.

I could be wrong, though. Maybe I’m the only person in the world who doesn’t understand why exposed man feet are acceptable in a professional setting. I’m no fashion expert or anything, and I usually shuffle around the office looking like a Dickensian street urchin most of the time because I don’t believe ironing t-shirts contributes anything to society, but at least I wear shoes to work.

I even wear shoes at home, although they’re more comfortable and called slippers. I change into them every day when I walk in the door like Mr. Rogers taught me, and I’m pretty sure my marriage is happier because of it.

BECAUSE NOBODY – NOT EVEN MY OWN WIFE – WANTS TO LOOK AT MY FEET.

Except for the previously mentioned hidden corner of the internet, or course. And if disgusting dude toes are your jam, more power to you. Everybody’s got their thing, and I’m not here to kink shame. You do you. Just keep it in the privacy of your own home or on OnlyFans where it belongs.

When you go out to walk amongst the good people of the general public, either hide your secret shame like the rest of us, or you can just head on back to the Shire, Frodo.

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NOTE:  I know times are hard and yeah, I need to make a living too, but if you want to read any of my books but can't afford to buy them right now, hit me up.

I'll take care of it.

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