Open Crazy, Texas

This past weekend, there was another shooting in America. This one was in Dallas, Texas. At police HQ, of all places. The gunman sprayed the building with rounds from an assault rifle and planted explosives before fleeing in his van, presumably to go back to his home down by the river. He never made it though, because a police sniper took him out and all was again right with the world. Somehow, he managed to neither kill nor wound anyone in his lunatic attack, which was nice.

Minutes after it was all over, Texas Governor Greg Abbott displayed a profound insensitivity to sensitivity by immediately signing a new open carry law for the state, allowing the open carry of handguns in addition to “long guns”. Then, just to make sure everyone knows how ‘Murica he is, he tweeted a picture of himself doing a little shootporn down at the gun range. Because yeehaw Texas and freedom and whatever.

We’re a classy lot here in the Lone Star state.

Of course, open carry is complete nonsense.

Now let me tell you why…

I’m a bit of an aberration here in Pew Pew Texas, because I not only don’t like football, but I’m not a big fan of firearms, either. That doesn’t mean I’m some bleeding heart liberal socialist communist or whatever the Tea Party loonies like to label people who sometimes engage their brains in activities other than chanting about God, Guns and Jesus. I’m just a pragmatist, is all.

Stay classy, Greg.

I don’t disagree with open carry on an ideological level. As an idea, I think it’s fine. Makes sense. No problem.

But way down in the mucky muck of reality, it kind of falls apart – but not for the reasons everyone always like to talk about. Guns aren’t the problem – well, they kind of are, but only because we already have so many of the damn things.

Conservatives always like to jump on the idea that someone is coming for their guns. Mention anything related to gun control, and it’s their default stance. “FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS!” they shout, not realizing that Charlton Heston was never really that great of an actor, and starred in a lot of really bad junk over the years. But that’s not the point.

I’m not advocating taking anyone’s guns away. It’s just not a practical solution anymore, because we have too many damn guns in this country already, and we don’t know who has them or where they are to begin with. The laws – or, more accurately, enforcement of the laws – has been so lax that really, it’s anybody’s guess. So we couldn’t exactly take your guns away, even if we wanted to. And if we took all the ones away that we do know about, there would still be a crap ton out there that we don’t know about, which is when you get into the, “When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns” territory. And it’s true.

So let’s just dispel that idea right quick. I don’t want your guns. Nobody wants your guns. Obama has been about to come for your guns since 2008, and you still have them. Nobody cares about your pew pew phallus. Seriously. Get over it.

The problem I have with open carry has nothing to do with the guns themselves, or even the types of guns. I don’t give a crap about assault rifles and magazine sizes. I really don’t.

The problem with open carry is simply open carry.

It’s stupid.

It’s actually pretty simple to understand, when you cut through all the media jibberjabber on the topic. It has to do with crazy people going on shooting sprees – but not because open carry will allow crazy people to go on shooting sprees, because crazy people are going to go on shooting sprees whether open carry is a thing or not.

The problem is desensitization.

There’s a popular picture going around with two identical armed men, and you’re supposed to decide which one is an open carry activist and which was is the mass murdering psychopath. The whole point is that you can’t, because they’re identical.

But that’s not the problem with open carry.

We already can’t tell the crazies apart from the sane people, regardless of who has a gun and who doesn’t. Because Crazy doesn’t wear a nametag.

“He was a nice guy. Kept to himself. Last person you’d ever expect.”

So if we can’t tell who is crazy and who isn’t, then why does it matter who is openly armed and who isn’t?

Simple: because we’re not used to seeing crazy people armed to the teeth, walking down the street. Because we’re not used to seeing anyone armed to the teeth, walking down the street.

The problem with open carry is that, once we are used to seeing heavily armed people strolling through Bed, Bath and Beyond to pick out a new toilet seat, we’re no longer alarmed by heavily armed people buying toiletries.

And we probably should be.

If a crazy person wants to walk into a shopping mall with an assault rifle strapped to his back and start shooting up the local Hot Topic, having an open carry law is only going to make it easier for him, because nobody is going to think twice about a heavily armed mall shopper anymore. Nobody’s going to be worried about it, because hey. It’s just a dude with an assault rifle, checking out some wicked cool t-shirts and crap. See it all the time. No need to call security.

Oh, sure. I hear the NRA and the entire state of Texas collectively gearing up to bring the “But if everyone is armed, everyone is safer” counter argument, which is just ridiculous.

Yes, you can find isolated cases of a good guy with a gun stopping a bad guy with a gun, but they’re statistical anomalies. For the most part, people who own firearms never have to use them in self-defense, or any other kind of defense. They’re just security blankets for the timid. They make people feel safe and powerful, without anyone having to actually work to become safe and powerful. There’s no effort involved to attain it and it feels good, so the whole thing has a particularly American appeal.

I get that.

“Why does everyone keep calling me Nick?”

But it doesn’t mean anything. I mean, we all know the TSA doesn’t make us safer, but most people (for some reason) still like having them there, because it makes them feel better. The illusion of safety is often more effective than actual safety, at least in the all important area of making paranoid, frightened people feel safer.

Still, you know what happens when a bad guy with a rapid-fire, semi-automatic assault rifle starts popping off shots in a crowded theater? A lot of people get shot. But do you know what happens when a bunch of good guys with guns start shooting back at the bad guy with guns, at the same rate of fire? A helluva lot more people get shot, that’s what.

Because life isn’t a movie. You are not a gunslinger. You’re probably not even a very good shot. I’d wager that most gun owners are barely competent with their weapons, even if they have great marks at the gun range. Paper targets don’t shoot back. Paper targets aren’t alive. Because paper target are fucking paper targets.

People tend to vastly overestimate their own skill level at everything. Think you’re a great shot with your gun? Awesome! Good for you. Now think about all the terrible drivers you know who think they’re good behind the wheel. Still confident?

Look, I get the appeal. I understand that open carry makes a kind of sense from an Idea perspective, but ideas aren’t reality. This isn’t the Wild West, after all.

Hell, even the Wild West wasn’t the wild west. People didn’t go around quick-drawing and having showdowns at high noon in front of the salon all the damn time. What you’re thinking of is THE MOVIES.

Which aren’t real.

People carried guns around in the old west because the old west was a pretty damn hostile place, which had a lot more to do with things like (rightfully) pissed off Native Americans and wildlife and actually having to hunt animals in order to eek out a substance-based living in an environment that wanted to murder you. You needed a gun in the old west, to shoot that rattlesnake what tried to scare your horse, or maybe pop off a few shots at those varmints what done come too close to your land the other night. It was a tool as much as it was a weapon, if not more so.

Today, you don’t really need to worry about getting snakebit down at The Gap, on your way to suck down some Chick-Fil-A at the Food Court. So you really don’t need to arm yourself for the battles that don’t lie ahead.

You don’t even need to worry about other humans, for the most part. Statistically, you’re not very likely to be the victim of a violent crime – and, even if you are, it’s not very likely that having a gun on your hip is going to stop it. Not when your attacker is already going to have his openly-carried weapon drawn and pointed at your squishy bits before you even know what’s happening.

All open carry does is push the world closer into a danger zone that doesn’t actually exist outside of advocate’s fever dream delusions. But it will, thanks to the open carry asshats.

Want more gun deaths? Open carry will get you there.

Want more cases of good guys with guns shooting bad guys with guns? Open carry will get you there.

Want to create a self-fulfilling prophecy, so that all of your dire warnings of the dangerous world outside your doorstep come true? Open carry will fucking take you there.

It will take us all there.

Whether we want it to or not.

So please, Rest Of The Nation. Don’t follow the example of the nice folks here in Crazyland, USA. Just ignore Texas. Don’t let our insanity be your guiding force. I beg you. Because I don’t want to live here forever, and I’d like to be able to move one day. Preferably to a state that isn’t bugfuck for guns.

Don’t mess with Texas, sure. But please, don’t let Texas mess with you.

I love you, America. I don’t want to see you fall in with the wrong crowd.

Like Texans.

UPDATE: Apparently, Texas isn’t leading the charge on open carry, which just seems weird. The popular talking point seems to be that Texas is (was) one of only six states that specifically prohibited (mostly because white people with guns were scared of black people with guns) the open carrying of handguns. But it turns out it’s a little (a lot) more nuanced than that.

Want some books? 'Course ya do!

NOTE:  I know times are hard and yeah, I need to make a living too, but if you want to read any of my books but can't afford to buy them right now, hit me up.

I'll take care of it.

Humor | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

Have you ever lived through an experience that was so humiliating that you wanted to die, but when you tell it to all your friends, they can't stop laughing?

Have you ever made a decision that seemed like a good idea at the time, but you're still living with the hilarious consequences years later?

If so, then grab a snack, get comfortable, and prepare to have all of your own poor life choices seem just a little bit more bearable.

You're welcome.

Short Stories
Available now from the following retailers

The nine stories of rage and sadness collected here range from the most intimate of human experiences to the wildest realms of magic and fantasy. The first story is a violent gut-punch to the soul, and the rest of them just hit harder from there.

Those who tough it out will find a book filled with as much hope as despair, a constant contradiction pulling you from one extreme to another.

Life might knock us down, over and over, and will the beat the ever-loving snot out of us from the time we're old enough to give it attitude until the day we finally let it win and stop getting up.

Always get back up.

Gaming | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

This isn't just a book. It's a portal to other worlds where there be magic and dragons and hilarious pirates. Okay, not really. But this book is about those portals, except they're called video games.

The Life Bytes series of books take a deep dive into one man's personal journey through childhood into kinda/sorta being a responsible, competent adult as told through the magical lens of whatever video games he was playing at the time.

Part One starts way back in 1975 and meanders down various digital pathways until, oh, around about 1993 or so.

If you're feeling nostalgic for the early days of gaming or if you just want to understand why the gamer in your life loves this hobby so much, take a seat in your favorite comfy chair and crack this bad boy open.

I'll try to not be boring.

Horror
Available now from the following retailers

What you are about to read is not a story. There is no beginning, middle, or end.

What follows is nothing more than a series of journal entries involving shadow people, sleep paralysis, and crippling fear. It’s not pretty, it doesn’t follow story logic, and nothing works out well in the end.

You've been warned.