Not too long ago, the Queen of the Internet (as far as I’m concerned, anyway) put out a call for help. Her name is Jenny Lawson, she’s known online as The Bloggess, and she’s weird and wonderful and damaged. One might even say broken.
She would say that, actually. She has said that. And she needed help from other broken souls to put together a trailer for her new book, Furiously Happy. Turns out, I am one of those broken souls.
I’m in the Tribe!
I responded to her request along with thousands of other broken people, which was pretty simple: she wanted us to tell her why we were broken, but why we’re also furiously happy. Because you can be both. At the same time.
I thought about it, then decided to send her my deepest, most secret fear that I am (was) terrified of anyone ever finding out: I am a failure.
I constantly fail. All the time. I try things, they don’t work, then I try the same things again, they don’t work again, then I try once more. And another time after that. And another after that. Constantly.
It’s part of what makes me who I am, both as a perpetual work-in-progress and as a chronically depressed, anxiety-plagued broken shell of a man. (I’ve recently started trying to write about my struggles with depression, which you might want to check out, if you haven’t. I’ve also started opening up about My Lifetime of Questionable Decisions, which are a lot funnier than depression. But more embarrassing.)
I have the support of a great wife and amazing 9-year-old stepson, who see me through the really dark times. However, even when I’m feeling really low, I still hold on to the belief that success is predicated by failure as a necessity; there are no “overnight” successes. Anyone who wakes up a success one morning hasn’t been sleeping. They’ve been trying, working, and getting better at what they do until the lightning strikes: skill meets up with luck and timing, the stars and planets align, and Something Happens.
I’m still waiting for Something to happen.
And I’m still trying. And failing. And trying again. It’s what I do.
I’m broken because I always fail at everything.
I’m furiously happy because the only difference between a happy ending and a sad one is where you stop the story. And I’m not done.
Thanks for letting me be part of this, Jenny. You sure are a nifty person.
I’ve embedded the video below, but do be sure to go read Jenny’s post about it. The comments alone are worth it. If you’re looking for me, my ugly mug turns up 5th in the video, right after the person who comes right after Felicia Day.
Yeah, I’m in a video with Felicia Day now, which is kind of amazing. (If you don’t know how inspiring I find her, you should find out. Seriously, click here.)
And a bunch of other really amazing people who make me brave. Which is the only reason I’m writing this, because I’m still kind of crippled with anxiety over anyone I know ever actually seeing me sitting there with my sign, admitting my greatest insecurity to the world.
I tried explaining this strange combination of excitement and crippling anxiety to my wife, and she responded in the way in which I’ve grown accustomed: “Think of something comforting. Pretend I said it.”
It’s why I love her.
I put myself out into the world every time I publish anything on this blog. Sometimes it’s ugly, and sometimes it’s embarrassing. Usually, it’s funny – but it’s always scary. But putting my greatest insecurity out there – letting everyone I know see how broken I feel sometimes? That’s downright terrifying.
But it’s all right. I’m not worried anymore.
I’m in the Cool Kids Club!
© 2015 – 2016, Kristian Bland. All rights reserved.