Wallowing

I launched a new site redesign today. And nobody noticed.

Well, that’s not entirely true. A bunch of people noticed; I can see the analytics data, after all. It’s just that nobody cared. Which is pretty typical for the Internet, I guess. And this site. And maybe blogs, in general. Most blogs, anyway.

I’ve been plugging away on this site since 2008. Seven years and over 300 posts and 500,000+ words later, and exactly nothing has come from it. Sure, I got my wedding ring for free, which was nice. I also got a job out of it, that I eventually left for a “better” job which was pretty great until Hillbilly Voldemort came along and started casting the Cruciatus Curse at the start of every morning meeting. And then my position was outsourced to India, so that was fun.

I’ve also received a few Cease and Desist notices that I’ve mostly ignored, and nothing ever happened. Couple of “slander” threats by people who don’t know what libel is. Bunch of angry tweet replies, some emails, and lots of spam. So much spam.

But nothing significant has ever happened. Sure, sometimes I’ll post something that gets some traction. People share it, click Like and whatnot, and I get a huge spike in traffic for a few days, and then nothing happens.

My marriage proposal was a hit, and then nothing happened.

My hometown commentary was pretty popular, and then nothing happened.

My Harry Potter room refurb was pretty well received, and then nothing happened.

My post on “ridiculous baby headbands” eventually became Google’s top search result for the topic, and then nothing happened.

I’ve even written the occasional short story or two that people kind of liked, but I was never very good at narrative, so I wasn’t surprised that nothing happened.

But that’s just how blogs go. You work on something you think people might like, or that’s at least an honest one-way dialog between you and the rest of the world, then you put it out there and…nothing happens.

Traffic climbs or it doesn’t. People comment or they don’t. Likes are given or they’re not. Shares almost never happen. It’s just how it goes.

But it makes wanting to keep doing this sort of thing really, really hard. Which isn’t something I think most people get.

It’s not easy to create something and put it out there for the rest of the world to tear apart, but it’s what people who need to create things have to do. We want to “make good art” as Neil Gaiman says, so we try our best to put something good into the world, and then…nothing happens.

It’s hard to tell if it’s because our art just wasn’t very good, or if whatever we made just got lost in the white noise of trillions of gigabytes worth of data buzzing through the air at any given moment. Maybe the stars hadn’t been properly aligned at the time, the seventh son of a seventh son hadn’t been born yet, or maybe the prophecies just never were true to begin with. Maybe it’s all of these things. Maybe it’s none of them.

Maybe I just suck.

I probably just suck.

Whenever I post something new, hitting the Publish button comes at the end of a lot of work and worry. It’s an instant relief, mixed with a tinge of excitement that this time – maybe this time – will be the one where Something Happens. But it almost never is.

I usually just end up riding the pleasure wave of Having Written for as long as I can, only to come crashing into the craggy shoreline of self-doubt whenever what I’d hoped would happen doesn’t happen. Then, I wallow in the mud of self-pity for a little while until I get bored and start the whole vile process over again.

Every time.

Some people are able to make a career out of blogging, although I honestly don’t know what black magic is involved in that sort of thing. Someone like Jenny Lawson writes a terrific blog, it gets noticed, and she becomes The Bloggess – one of the nicest, most read people on the Internet. Then there’s everyone else, stuck out in the collective limbo of our mutual efforts. Floating, grasping, slipping. And nothing ever happens.

In case you couldn’t tell, this is the Wallowing In Self-Pity phase I mentioned earlier. I’m just sharing it this time, so you’ll know what it feels like.

I’m not quitting, though. Even if it sounds like I should. Even if I really should.

The wallowing will pass, the doubts will clear, and I’ll come back once more and write something new again, then hit Publish again and wait again. And maybe next time, something will happen.

Next time.

Want some books? 'Course ya do!

NOTE:  I know times are hard and yeah, I need to make a living too, but if you want to read any of my books but can't afford to buy them right now, hit me up.

I'll take care of it.

Humor | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

Have you ever lived through an experience that was so humiliating that you wanted to die, but when you tell it to all your friends, they can't stop laughing?

Have you ever made a decision that seemed like a good idea at the time, but you're still living with the hilarious consequences years later?

If so, then grab a snack, get comfortable, and prepare to have all of your own poor life choices seem just a little bit more bearable.

You're welcome.

Short Stories
Available now from the following retailers

The nine stories of rage and sadness collected here range from the most intimate of human experiences to the wildest realms of magic and fantasy. The first story is a violent gut-punch to the soul, and the rest of them just hit harder from there.

Those who tough it out will find a book filled with as much hope as despair, a constant contradiction pulling you from one extreme to another.

Life might knock us down, over and over, and will the beat the ever-loving snot out of us from the time we're old enough to give it attitude until the day we finally let it win and stop getting up.

Always get back up.

Gaming | Nonfiction
Available now from the following retailers

This isn't just a book. It's a portal to other worlds where there be magic and dragons and hilarious pirates. Okay, not really. But this book is about those portals, except they're called video games.

The Life Bytes series of books take a deep dive into one man's personal journey through childhood into kinda/sorta being a responsible, competent adult as told through the magical lens of whatever video games he was playing at the time.

Part One starts way back in 1975 and meanders down various digital pathways until, oh, around about 1993 or so.

If you're feeling nostalgic for the early days of gaming or if you just want to understand why the gamer in your life loves this hobby so much, take a seat in your favorite comfy chair and crack this bad boy open.

I'll try to not be boring.

Horror
Available now from the following retailers

What you are about to read is not a story. There is no beginning, middle, or end.

What follows is nothing more than a series of journal entries involving shadow people, sleep paralysis, and crippling fear. It’s not pretty, it doesn’t follow story logic, and nothing works out well in the end.

You've been warned.